Teaching how to teach is teaching too...don’t crush our confidence!

Although many people take them for granted, confidence and self-esteem are vital elements in the development of a human being, and they affect every part of life. I know this because I do not have any. Although I have two incredibly loving parents and the two best brothers a girl could ask for, I sit quietly at the dinner table, feeling far too intellectually inferior to join into the conversation. Although I graduated at the top of my high school class, I very rarely felt smart enough to participate in class discussions. Even when it comes to relationships, I never felt worthy of the friends I have had, even the ones who I was told I was “above.” I have been told many times by many different people that I am the most insecure, self conscious person they have ever met, and anyone who knows me on a personal level will agree. I have had many teachers, professors, friends, and family members throughout the years who have made it their personal goals to try to boost my confidence level, and although it helps to know that others have more faith in me than I do, none of this can repair the damage that has been done.
As an aspiring teacher, it is almost sickening for me to think back to where and when all of these insecurities began. I was always a rather timid child, mostly because I never felt I had anything to say, but on the rare occasion that I did have something to share, I usually had no problem doing so. In fact, I remember enjoying sharing my ideas because it made me feel smart. All of this changed, however, in my middle school years when I was exposed to the worst teacher I could ever imagine. On the first day of classes, she told us that she used to be a lawyer and the only reason she quit that job to become a teacher was that she could not keep her temper in the courtroom and was constantly having to pay fines for her angry outbursts. That was my first clue that she did not belong in a classroom. The second clue was that by the time the class period was over, at least half of the class, including me, had cried at one point in time during the period. Despite the fact that I received the second highest grade in the class three out of four marking periods and never received a grade less than a 98 in that class, the woman still felt the need to take me out into the hallway to yell at me at least once a week. Throughout the year, other teachers noticed me trying not to cry or even hyperventilating before class and would try to convince me to go to the nurse or guidance counselor, but I refused, for I knew that if I arrived late for her class, even with a valid reason, I would just get it worse. I was also afraid to tell anyone…they just kept asking why I was crying all of the time and I would refuse to answer or make up some kind of excuse. She was the most verbally abusive person I have ever met in my life and no one has ever made me realize exactly how worthless I am as much as she did. In fact, I felt so worthless that I went to bed every night wishing I would not wake up in the morning, and I woke up every morning in hysterics because that wish did not come true. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think that is what school is all about. To me, school is to help students learn and grow in every way, molding them to be successful and responsible adults, and I do not believe that you can truly be successful in this world without the self respect and confidence of which this woman has robbed me and many others. Having her showed me exactly who I did not want to be when I became a teacher.
Since that experience, I have made great strides towards becoming more confident, and although many would not believe it, I have made great improvements. Recently, however, I had an experience that has made me digress back to where I was before: someone who I consider to be one of my mentors, who knows absolutely nothing about me on a personal level, told me that she “was not as generous” about my intellectual abilities as I was and that I was too generous. Throughout my life I have always been my own worst critic. I have always thought so low of myself that it never occurred to me that someone might think lower of me than I do. I understand that she probably did not mean it to sound this way and she was just trying to help me become a better teacher, but as an educator mentoring other educators, for she is aware that I see her as a mentor, I feel that she should understand that sometimes wording is everything and it could affect a student more than one would think. What’s worse is that after she tore me apart and eliminated what little confidence I had, she told me that if she were to grade this project it would be a B….yes, a B!!!!! Now I would understand a little more, though I never feel that it is ok to trample a student’s confidence as she did mine, if it was work that would merit a D or an F, but a B?!?!? How am I supposed to listen to those telling me to “stop the madness with your insecurity” if others are telling me that I give myself too much credit? How am I ever supposed to overcome my inferiority conflicts and make the student to teacher transition, as mentioned in an earlier blog post, if my confidence is being trampled?
As future teachers I feel that it is important for all of us to realize that, although constructive criticism is vital to academic growth, it must be dealt with in an extremely careful manner because confidence is also vital to growth, both academic and otherwise. It is also important to know your students in order to figure out the best way to help them correct their mistakes without damaging their self esteem. Perhaps if this mentor knew me as a person and how little self esteem I have, she would have been more careful to phrase her comments in a less condescending manner.